Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize