I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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