I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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