Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
