there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
