Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
