i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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