I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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