I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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