Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
