90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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