i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
