The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
