life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
