cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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