A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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