i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
