Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
