Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
