Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I didn't notice because vodka
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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