good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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