If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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