3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
