On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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