6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
