I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
