Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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