Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he thought i was a dude.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
