i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
