i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
