i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
