found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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