I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
