how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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