new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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