I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
