I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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