Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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