VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
