he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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