I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
