I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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