If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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