My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
