was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
