help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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