I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
