Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
