3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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