My first STD was from a foam party
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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